I Am Lost Right Now

This is what my actual writing looks like. Usually I let AI structure and polish it for me. I didn't this time.

have you ever written an article where you are lost? Or do you always write after you figure something out and only talk about the experience and the lesson? I am lost right now, I barely know what to write and I have an internal conflict about which of my projects to work on, how to pick one and double down or work towards advancing several at the same time little by little. it feels like writing many books at the same time, advancing each project once the inspiration hits, and once i hit the blocker i ditch the project and move on to the other one, because i don't like the pain of being stuck. But at the same time, i lie to myself, i tell myself it is productive let me switch to this another project and work on it, i can advance it and i will come back to the challenge later with the fresh mind, seems very productive right? This is the pain i am in right now and i am forcing myself to stop, slow down and wait, instead of jumping into another fresh new idea that will make me forget the pain and the obstacle that i am stuck in. i need help to figure out, should i keep jumping back and forth into the projects, or should i keep insisting on one project only, and bumping my head on the table until i figure out what to do next within the project. i always seek novelty and now i am not sure if these are well calculated lies i tell myself or if they are actually productive. Even my blog's motto says: Where excitement ends, depth begins., which i came up with myself, but i feel like thats wishful thinking and i lie to myself. I operate more like where excitement ends, jump to another one, find new excitement and come back later. It seems like escapism. Seems like I am writing many books at the same time. I am escaping the fact that I am the only user of my open source projects. And I don't know how to genuinely get any feedback at all. Or how to get that 1 user at all either. I am escaping all these problems. Jump into another novel idea, build it out hit the roadblock, jump back find an interesting feature to solve, kangarooing between the projects, novelty and excitement once the pain hits. Now i choose to stop it, and sit here and write about the pain and not knowing what to do. This article is not about the lesson, or experience or intelligent idea that i came up with. Even writing this feels futile, in my mind any article should teach you about something, i need to have a takeaway when i read something. And now as a writer, from writer's perspective i feel guilty writing a futile article, you will not takeaway anything from it and i feel like i am betraying you as a reader. That's why i never even write articles from pain, its all over my perfectionism not allowing me to, but again this is the only time i stop, slow down and let myself be in this embarrassment and pain. Because I am truly stuck not sure if this writing is worthy to be published, what to work on next. I have goals and dreams i want to achieve, i want to create an open source project that people will love and use. A project where not only the product is impressive, but the technological architecture is appreciated, impressive and people will learn from it, contribute to it, use it for personal needs and so on. I started with the first initial idea and commit on Dec 19, 2025: Initial commit: schema + transition validator — Backlog MCP is an execution ledger with enforced invariants. Not a task source. Not a workflow engine. Since then this project has drastically evolved and my philosophy around the product and the architecture has drastically evolved. Now this is my vision and philosophy for the product: Your backlog is your agent's memory. It was born from pain and there were times when i heavily used it, i accrued 1000+ artifacts inside my own personal backlog. But there were times when i neglected it, because of some pain and again due to my escapism, however each time it made me realize that the pain that i am escaping is the literal signal, a challenge to solve, its a nice problem to have, it lead me figure out the next features to engineer, architectural issues to solve, product to simplify and so on. Recently I built memory layer into it, started using all of it heavily again, and hit the ergonomics and organization problem, then built features around it and again now i am using my own project. However now i am stuck, i would love to get feedback, get some help, get some opinions, what to build next, i dont want to jump to another project and escape the pain. i dont want to be stuck like this. i dont want to build something just to build, because i might lose my vision of the project by forcing myself building into something that i dont believe. All of this mental reflecting, expressing and talking about my pain, and asking for help is great, but at the same time it will be all futile if i don't take some kinda action. If I only talk about this endlessly and dont solve it, or dont get some kinda advice, or dont listen to someone's advice, or don't seek out advice, then i will be stuck all over. I have hard time even asking for advice, because what if i am given advice that doesn't align with me and i feel bad for neglecting, and disregarding someone's advice. I dont want them to feel bad. and I dont want to follow an advice that I dont feel like it. And as a result i have hard time asking and seeking for help or advice. As a result i have my own way of figuring things out in a hard way. Maybe another reason could be that my mind thinks that I know better and its an ego thing that i dont seek for advice and that makes things even worse. Unsure but I wouldn't fully eliminate this theory. This make me a high ego person that masks as a humble quite well. However some of these are brain popcorn, lots of reflection and mental work, but actually figuring things out requires action, repetitive action, sitting in the pain instead of escaping. Thats why at the very least instead of escaping and finding novelty and excitement in some new project or idea, instead i am writing this. At the very least i am putting my pain on paper, and marking the history that this happened, not allowing my brain to forget easily any more. At least this artifact exists and even if i jump to another exciting idea, i can't escape this artifact fully published out there in the world. Another thing im worried about is i wrote all this, had a reflection, sat in pain, did everything properly and then voilla... i am going to operate as i always did, go back to my old default and pretend nothing even happened, did all this reflection and ate all this brain popcorn but back to square 1, pretend Goga who writes this is different from Goga who operates on a daily basis. I am not going to resolve this article, i am not going to close with solutions or ideas to solve these problems. Once at least once, i am going to sit with the pain, marking the history so that i can come back and not let this slide. I want to achieve my goals and dreams so i must solve this mental popcorn failure pattern that i have crafted for years as a habit, maybe have been crafting entire lifetime. I have a hope i will solve it but right now i have to stop pretending that i know all the solutions, or stop pretending that brute forcing all the potential ideas will help me solve these problems. Thats not how it works. Escapism can't be solved by escaping. Any solution that i come up with must not be coming from escaping the pain and jumping into an excitement, no. It will need to come from action, from the action that i am afraid and avoiding, so even more pain. Rhetorically speaking, pain will be solved with even more pain, thats why i am escaping it all the time. Btw, even this sentence is my attempt to find a solution already, my brain is already trying to figure out the solution as i am literally writing this right now. Trying to escape and trying to find the solution as soon as possible to end the pain. I have a hope, but its not absolute that I can solve this pain. I have big dreams. I want to solve the pain, fix the source of pain and stop masquerading that i am solving them with escapism. Mental reflection and all this expression, and acknowledgment and writing is great but it is another type of masquerading the pain if I don't act on it eventually.